Being a Lit Parent Doesn’t Mean Pulling Out the Wine

We have the English language. We have Sign Language.  We have Foreign Language. We have Unspoken Language. And then we have Teenage Language.

Of all the languages, Teenage Language is the most difficult to learn. So much of what our teenager says  actually means something completely different. We, as parents, are left to scramble and decode what comes out of their mouths if we are to understand and communicate with our precious offspring.   We are forced to be part interpreter, part mind reader, part body language specialist and part translator. We often ask ourselves, “Who is the stranger living in our house and where did my child go?”  Parenting teenagers involves becoming bilingual in a language that remains a mystery to even the coolest parents.

Here is a guide to understanding your teenager and reading into what they are really saying.  If you want to be a lit parent, here ya go fam.

When they say, “I need to chill”, they aren’t asking you to turn up the AC, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone. I need to see what my friends are doing. I plan to Snapchat and check Twitter.”

When they say, “Don’t be salty. There’s still plenty of time to pull my grades up”, they aren’t talking about potato chips, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone.  It’s not finals week so why are you stressing and being angry?  I’ll text my friends to get the homework I need. I do this every semester and somehow it works.”

When they say (on Sunday night), “I’m feeling overwhelmed”, they aren’t asking you to draw them a hot bath to unwind, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone.  Then I’ll start on the homework I should have done earlier but failed to do because I probably goofed around or played video games all weekend.”

When they say, “My grades are whack”, they aren’t asking you dial the tutor, what they are really saying is “I want to check my phone.  I need to study more because I’m not doing good in school.”

When they say, “Someone threw shade at me” they aren’t saying a friend gave them an umbrella to block the sun, what they are really saying is “I want to check my phone. Someone talked trash or gave me a nasty look.”

When they say, “I’m going to Snap”, they aren’t asking you to call their therapist, what they are really saying is “I want to check my phone and then I want to post something to my friend that will be gone in 10 seconds”.

When they say, “Can I have some money?”, they aren’t asking to do chores and get paid, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone. I need to see what my friends are doing so I know where we are hanging. Odds are I’m spending that money on food.”

When they say, “I’m light weight scared about that test”, they aren’t saying they need to bulk up, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone. I probably failed it.”

When they say, “I am bored”, they aren’t asking you to pull out Monopoly, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone.  I need to see if anyone is down to hang out. I have nothing to do and sitting at home isn’t fun.”

When they say, “There is no food in our house”, they aren’t asking you to open the fridge and point out the delicious leftovers, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone.  We might have food, but it takes work to cook and I want to eat right now. Fruits and vegetables don’t count.”

When they say, “You never let me do anything”, they aren’t asking you to point out how they went snowboarding last week, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone.  You set rules that I don’t like.”

When they say, “You wouldn’t understand” they aren’t asking you to explain things in a way that makes sense, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone. I don’t really understand either.”

When they say, “No offense but you’re really embarrassing” they aren’t really saying they care if you are offended, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone. Hugging me in public is a no-no and in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a full-fledged teenager now”.

When they say, “I want to be the Goat at golfing” they aren’t telling you they want to be a farm animal, what they are really saying is that “I want to check my phone. I want to be the Greatest of All Time at golfing and I need your credit card for green fees.”

When they say “I know I messed up. I’m sorry” they aren’t asking you to forgive them, what they are really saying is: “I want to check my phone.  Please take away anything BUT my phone.”

When they say, “I love you too” what they are really saying is: “I know you do a lot for me and I appreciate you.  I know we fight but we still love each other. Now can I go check my phone?”

5 thoughts on “Being a Lit Parent Doesn’t Mean Pulling Out the Wine

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *