One minute your teenager might be talking about something random, and the next they’re declaring they want to quit cheerleading—or that they have no friends.

And before we even realize it, we’ve blurted out, “What?!!” (double exclamation points and all).

But here’s the thing: that little word—said with an exclamation point—often shuts down the very conversation we’re hoping to have.

Instead, try swapping it for two others: “Why?” and “How?”

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Teen: “My friends don’t like me.”
Parent (WHAT response): “What? That’s not true. You have so many friends!”
Parent (WHY/HOW response): “I hear you. Why do you feel alone and unliked? How long have you been feeling this way?”

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Teen: “I want to quit cheerleading.”
Parent (WHAT response): “What? You’ve always loved cheer, and you’re so good at it.”
Parent (WHY/HOW response): “I hear you. Why do you feel like you’re done with cheer? How is it different for you this year?”

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Teen: “I hate math. I’m terrible at it.”
Parent (WHAT response): “What? You used to be great in elementary school.”
Parent (WHY/HOW response): “I hear you. Why do you feel like math is so hard right now? How can I support you when it feels overwhelming?”

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Here’s the secret:

• “Why” invites your teen to explore their emotions. It shows curiosity and care, and helps them reflect on what’s happening beneath the surface.
• “How” invites them to share the process or experience behind those feelings. It opens the door to context, details, and sometimes even the beginnings of solutions.

Together, why and how are the secret sauce.

They shift us from being the parent who corrects or minimizes—to being the parent who listens and encourages reflection.

And more often than not, that’s exactly what our teenagers need from us: not our advice, but our ears.

A simple shift. A big difference.

So the next time your teen says something that makes you freeze midair, pause and take a breath. Then gently swap “What?!” for “Why?” and “How?”

It may not solve everything, but it helps you get to the heart of what your teen is really trying to say. At the very least, it lets them know you hear them.

That one word swap can turn a bombshell moment into a real conversation—and the possibility of a deeper connection.